a very simple guide.
Choices
Life is all about priorities and priorities are the result of choices (which in turn will likely lead to new priorities). In this case, since we are talking about a voluntary, self chosen, relationship, these will be your personal, consensual choices. For the purpose of excursive - but if you already are in a relationship of some kind it will of course be more than an excursive - in this article we will assume you ARE in a dominant/submissive relationship and - as far as your mindset is concerned, your best bet - when it comes to power exchange - always is to at least assume reality. That will simply help you to make better, more realistic judgments.
So, this first step is all about choices. Because making choices is what submission is all about.
Wanting to be submissive - no matter what format submission has or will get for you - is a very self-confident, brave choice.
It is also one that may (and very likely will) have future consequences. Serious consequences that may interfere with other things - possibly even with your life as you know it now. Which is why we start off with making choices and thinking them through before making any.
No it's and but's
No matter what choices you make, one thing is paramount. Choosing the submissive role in a relationship, you will be making the choice to put (some of) your (future) partner's wishes at the top of your priority list. Maybe always, maybe not always, maybe only sometimes, that is up to the two of you. But no matter what format your submission takes - be it just on incidental cases, in the bedroom only or on an every day, all day basis - when you submit you place all your own priorities below those of your dominant partner for the period, you choose to submit to them. And again, this period can be an hour, your entire life or anything in between. When you submit you will have to accept this.
It is like being pregnant. You cannot be just a tiny bit pregnant ..... you are.
In other words, do it or don't. That does not mean there will be no room for (re)negociation, changing priorities or shifting situations. What it does mean though is that there is no room for nagging, bitching and whining. Let us give you a few examples to clarify this:
* Let's assume you agreed to having your butt caned. And let's even assume you agreed to a predesigned number of strokes, let's say ten. From that moment on there are various possibilities.
The most likely one is that - on second thought (and more importantly "second feel") - ten is much more painful than you thought it would be.
Basically, that's tough luck!
You accepted ten strokes, you overestimated yourself and the pain will be a valuable lesson for you never to do that again.
If you can't sit for the rest of the day - if as a consequence you cannot go to work the next morning - if in hindsight the bruises are not what you wanted, you only have ONE person to blame: yourself!
AFTERWARDS you can (and should) inform your partner about the fact that you overestimated yourself or made a bad judgment. But you should also make clear you and only YOU are the one to blame here and that you accept the consequences as a result of that.
Now let's assume the situation is identical, but the fact that - in hindsight - it was not what you expected it to be because the dominant apparently had no clue about caning. Of course he/she shouldn't have done it, but that doesn't mean you are not equally responsible for the consequences. You - prior to entering - should have been concerned about your own well-being and safety and you should have checked if the dominant was capable of doing what the two of you agreed to.
That is why educating yourself is so important. If you do not know what you consent to - you can get yourself in serious trouble.
* Another example: you have agreed to NEVER wear underwear.
Suddenly you have to go to an important meeting - let's say a job interview - and not wearing underwear makes you extra nervous and you don't want to do it. Again, the situation here is a matter of tough luck! That is something you should have considered prior to accepting the requirement. You cannot have both - it is either/or.. You may of course re-negotiate and explain, but you must also accept that it was you overlooking a few things during the negotiation.
* Finally, you want to be dominated. So, accept domination!
Being submissive is anything BUT about having everything your way, according to your scenario. If there are things you do not like, you can (re)negotiate the situation but you cannot set all kinds of parameters in advance. The "no honey, I have a headache" tactics won't work anymore. If you agreed to be "a toy", you must also accept the fact that at times you may be treated as such on THEIR terms and when THEY want, regardless of the consequences.
"To everything - turn - turn - turn. There is a season - turn - turn -turn"
(The Byrds)
The situation is this: you can - if you want to - limit the timeframe as well as the parameters of your submission in advance. Or afterwards.
BUT NOT DURING!
If you missed a crossing you drive on to the point where you can safely turn. You do not make a U-turn in the middle of the Interstate.
And you DISCUSS but not COMPLAIN afterwards.
As we explained, if you asked to be caned, you can't whine about the bruises afterwards. That comes with the territory and you'll just have to accept that. Or, you should have thought about that BEFORE you entered into anything.
NOTE: The above doesn't mean you have to accept anything and everything just because you have chosen to submit to anyone. Of course you don't have to accept deliberate abuse.
What we emphasize here is that you are realistic about your choices and their consequences, which includes the fact that nobody is perfect, that mistakes happen and that you yourself may have been too optimistic about your own capabilities.
Life is not entirely sanitized for your protection, neither is erotic power exchange.
The basic protocol of choices:
* Make sure you know what you consent to, before doing so
* When uncertain about the consequences, think about (and take sufficient time to do so) and/or ASK
* Accept the consequences of your choices gracefully and in a mature way - even if they do not turn out the way you expected
* If you did not properly inform and educate yourself, then do so - INDEPENDENTLY (i.e. your dominant is A source but not THE only source of information, you only have yourself to blame
"Safe, Sane and Consensual" is a rather hollow phrase without the words Voluntary and Informed added to it!!!
Look before your leap!
What this comes down to is that there are no irrelevant details, when it comes to erotic power exchange and that you'll really have to think about everything you do or want. You may dream about total slavery, but the consequence of that dream - if brought to life - is that you will probably have to abandon any plans about having children, future education or having a career and that such a decision will have serious consequences for your future life.
And it doesn't have to be that drastic. "I am my Master's slave" tattooed on your body now may be a very appealing thought, but it probably will look pretty silly by the time you are eighty (not a problem as such, as long as you are aware of such a consequence BEFORE you agree to the tattoo).
The result of almost any power based relationship is that the submissive partner will be (partially) conditioned and such conditioning (again a very appealing thought for many) WILL have certain lasting effects on your life and very likely on your personality.
Again, we have to be realistic here. Submissives often do not do a very good job in the (hopefully unlikely) event the relationship breaks up. Especially those used to a situation where the power dynamics were partially integrated in their daily lives will have made choices that limit their ability to set up a life of their own. And - no matter what the two of you promised each other when everything was still moonlight and roses - when relationships go sour, partners frequently go sour as well and the "support" you had been promised, may very well turn out to be something you have to fight for in court. Or it may be very minimal, or there may be no support at all.
Nobody ever promised you life would be fair!
So when making choices, you have to be realistic about any limitations, these may bring about. If you chose to be a "household slave" and you live a life like that for five or ten years, your chances on the career market will have dropped to close to zero. Again, that is not a problem, but you will have to think about such consequences BEFORE you make any choices.
In the event you are currently in an Internet relationship of some kind or are even chatting or emailing about that, bear in mind that emailing and keyboard chatting means WRITING. Not only is writing a very one-dimensional form of communication (unless you are a very gifted writer, something that only those are, who ever make it to the best-seller list). The written word to the reader is very powerful. People often tend to forget the impact of their words. The written word - even on the Internet - still has the connotation that it is something you have thought about and is usually not interpreted in the casual way, the word "chat" would assume!!!!!
Safewording
Choosing a submissive role will put you in a position where you will need to face the consequences of your choices. That may not always be easy and may not even always be fun.
Don't worry, it is not as difficult as it seems, but you need to understand that making choices is difficult and that determination and commitment will be required by your (future) partner. As such that will be very fulfilling for both of you.
We will get you acquainted with this as well as with the use of some of the most fundamental concepts within an erotic power exchange relationship: safewording, negotiation, common sense (yes!) and a lot of other safety aspects.
You probably already know the basic ins and outs of the safeword concept. That's the credo, but there is a whole lot more to the subject of safewording. First and foremost this:
Whether or not you are in an existing relationship and regardless of the dynamics of that relationship and its duration: you need a way to communicate in case of an unforeseen emergency. And emergencies can be anything.
Besides physical emergencies, especially in a long term BDSM-relationship something else becomes increasingly important: emotional safety.
There are three reasons why you actually need a "relationship safeword" (rather than a "scening safeword":
1. Wear and tear
What we are talking about is this; Within an existing relationship habits grow - and they grow on you. Situations slowly and almost invisibly shift as the relationship develops. In principal there is nothing wrong with that. It is partly what having a relationship is about. Also, as explained, the submissive partner IS conditioned, whether they like/want this or not. Limits are pushed, priorities change.
What this may lead to is that - slowly and usually inadvertently - a situation may evolve that incorporates things that you are not happy with. Small things, small compromises, minor irritations. Very minor cracks in the relationship. The wear and tear of time.
In many cases, these small cracks may add up to something bigger. And in a relationship where power is omni-present and mutual trust is the basis of everything, you need a way to prevent these small cracks from happening - or repair them.
Especially in a long term relationship you need a signal, that enables you to discuss these minor cracks in a strictly non-power situation and for those moments you need a pre-designated safeword or signal.
2. Mood/Emotions/Hormonal changes
And another thing is this.
You are a person and - again as much as you may not like that - as a result you are subject to changes in various stages in your life. Menopause, pregnancy, stress, and fatigue are some examples of such changes, but there are more. All changes - no matter how minor - can have a huge impact on your sex life, your sexual drive but also on your mental determination.
Changes in life are no joke. Take for instance what society has termed "the woman's prerogative", where it is expected that a woman changes everything, always and suddenly". Although it may or may not be your RIGHT to change, the fact of the matter is that it happens.
Realistic, experienced couples will find ways to deal with that (frequently with substantial difficulty, by the way) - dominants with a little less experience in life especially have a tendency to forget about this (or just don't know about it). Like it or not: you may have to educate them in this area and you may also have to educate them about the fact that your changes may not always be completely logical nor fully explicable.
Especially such education processes may require a pre-designated safeword.
3. Life changes
Finally, nothing in life lasts forever.
For example, if you are in a contract-situation now, unforeseen things may happen that will require you to re-evaluate your situation. And frequently: BDSM-contracts do not have that option, which again frequently is at the root of a lot of stress. Even in a total power exchange (total "slavery") situation you may be forced to change - simply because life forces you to. An unforeseen illness for example may be a reason or an unforeseen career change (for you or your partner). And of course, if you have children their lives usually have a habit of taking all kinds of unforeseen turns and twists. Make sure somehow such an option is available. Think ahead! You cannot be in a BDSM-situation without an emergency break - one with limitations maybe, but still you need one.
Pride gets you in trouble
Many submissives get themselves - and the relationship - in trouble as the result of something else: false pride!. One thing to understand and always keep in mind is that you are in a loving relationship. NOT in the BDSM Olympics. You do not have to prove to yourself or the dominant how good you are and how much you can take. Any time you feel the need to use a safeword or otherwise stop or at least evaluate the situation: DO SO.
Don't be afraid to feel stupid or use the safeword at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons. Using a safeword is never stupid and never wrong. NOT using it is! Yes, you may get it wrong, yes you may disappoint your dominant, yes, you may be forced to shortcut something that is very hot and exciting for them. Still: both of you can have a lot of fun by "using" you, but not at the expense of you! Calculating yourself out of the equation is always the wrong thing to do. And if you make a mistake, so be it. You'll learn from it.
A safeword alone is not enough
Just using a safeword isn't good enough. You need to provide an explanation (probably not immediately). You need to communicate the reasons why you felt the urge to safeword. It may be that there is a rule that you'll be punished when using a safeword for the wrong reasons. Especially if you are a novice sub - that is not a good rule and you should not accept it. You need to learn when and how to use safewords - because that in itself can be a difficult choice to make. Hence you need the freedom to learn and communication about it is a much better way than punishment (it probably is embarrassing enough to you when it happens anyway).
Also, it is a good idea - again especially if you are new to BDSM - to make another arrangement with your dominant partner: they should - occasionally and especially when in doubt themselves - ASK YOU if you want to safeword.
Always remember: a safeword is the end of a scene but also the beginning of the next step in your communication and negotiation process. And it is an important part of the learning curve for BOTH of you.
Difficult choices
Every time you come to the point where you have to make a decision about using a safeword, you will be faced with the difficult choice between ending or temporarily holding whatever is happening and wanting to try and take a little more to see what happens. We cannot give you any solid advice when it comes to that - simply because individual situations are always different and so are individual people. What we can tell you though is that it is always better to be safe than sorry. An early terminated scene can be repeated and the fun can be restored. A breach of trust, fear as a result of a situation going sour, cracks in the relationship can not be repaired that easily and sometimes not at all. So try to prevent them.
There is one thing you should know about safewording, especially if you are a novice sub. Sometimes a scene has to be no fun to get to the real fun. For example, you may be asked to something you absolutely don't want to do, but when you have done it - the euphoria brings you to a much higher state of pleasure. Pain sometimes - and for some - has to go to the point where you cannot stand it anymore before it turns into the real pleasure. Although none of these statements is always true in every situation - and although it is also wise to better be safe than sorry - you may want to test yourself and your responses to a situation. In such cases it is wise to tell your dominant you are "at the verge of safewording" but willing to test yourself. By doing so they know you are close to the emergency break, they may even slow down or support and help you and a safeword will not come as a complete surprise. Which is why a safeword ONLY is insufficient communication. Frequently the situation at least requires a "qualified safeword".
And: rule number 1: An ignored safeword is a breach of trust and may even cause you to rethink the relationship. It is almost always a warning signal for potential abuse!
PERSONAL TEST:
At this point we will ask you to perform a little test - one that may require you to use a safeword. Again, we want you to do this in private - you don't have to tell anybody. Go to the bathroom and be naked, no jewelry, no make up. Fold your hands behind your head and just stand there, facing the mirror. Lower your head and your eyes in such a way that your head will be bowed but that - if you want to - you can look at yourself in the mirror through your eyelashes. Try to hold this position for at least ten minutes, breath calmly and deeply and concentrate on yourself and try to connect to your emotions and maybe your submissive fantasy if you have one. The moment this feels uncomfortable to you, or if you feel silly doing this, SAY YOUR SAFEWORD OUT LOAD! and stop the test. If you have to, you have done nothing wrong. It's all right, you have only just learned to use a safeword and that you can do this without consequences. You haven't disappointed anybody, not even yourself.
In the event you did NOT feel the need to use a safeword, well, that's all right too. You've just been in a situation where you could, but you did not have to. That lesson is just as valuable as well.
When the dominants "rights" put a strain on the relationship
We all know that the dominant usually has the right to call upon you (the submissive) at anytime. Which often leaves the submissive feeling used and ignored. Especially when the dominant only seems to have time for them when they have broken a rule. When a chewing out is in order.
This is one of the reasons the submissive acts out, to get the attention they need. Especially if they are insecure in their relationship.
From a submissive point of view, it is very important to feel secure with the relationship. When that is missing all kind of ideas form in the submissive head. This situation especially - and unfortunately frequently - happens online.
For those of you who are in what is generally called an online relationship and use chat programs - and can tell when the other party is online - such situations can be really bad from the subs' point of view.
Here you sit seeing their name lit up, you send a message to say good morning or ask a question and no reply. It should be mandatory that unless you intend on sharing your time with your submissive that you DO NOT show online, go invisible.
The attitude, described above, gives the submissive the impression that they are not worth taking time to speak to. Though the dominant seems to find time to be online doing what? Who is he talking to? Is he tired of me? All questions that run through a submissive mind.
Then when the dominant does come to talk, its about who they spoke to, thus letting you know they were online and chose to ignore the one person that should be the most important person in their life. It may be a fact that submissives are usually trained to be patient, but when the submissive begins to feel used, or that they are little more than a doormat for the dominant to use when the mood hits, it leaves them feeling like a failure no matter how hard they try. Feeling like an outcast.
After all there are 24 hours in a day, at least an hour of that time should be dedicated to encouraging, letting your submissive know they are loved and cared for. The nature of a submissive is to be " submissive" not to be "used".
Submissives have feelings too. Surprise
with love from the submissive with the slaves heart
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